We hoped that the bleeding would clear up, that it was an episode that we could put behind us, but it didn't. Instead, I continued to bleed, sometimes just spotting but more often a real flow, especially at night. I had many appointments with no definite answers for anything. The midwives turned over my case to the ob/gyns, and they all puzzled over case. Unbeknownst to me, they were concerned that it was cancer.
All the bleeding was heartbreaking, exhausting, and terrifying. I reached the end of a week of bleeding, and found myself totally drained. I lay on the couch in my living room, filled with anxiety, unease, discomfort, and dread. Relaxation seemed out of the question. And then, as if by magic, a wave of peace entered, and the word TRUST suffused the room. It washed over me. I relaxed and released. Nothing to do, nothing to control, just trust. All is well, all will be well.
And from then on, as heartbreaking, terrifying, and difficult as it continued to be, I was able to return to that feeling of trust. It carried me through the pain, the fear, the anger, the uncertainty, and ultimately the loss, and the grief. It still carries me. Even in my bitterest moments, I can feel that trust. I do not understand it, but I know that at some level, beyond my comprehension, all is well.
Day 19 of 31, 16 Cheshvan 5774