When the bleeding finally stopped, I was so relieved and I planned a trip to the mikvah, a ritual bath.
Preparing for the Mikvah - Journal Entry 08.01.10
I want this immersion to be about the transition from a pregnancy body to a regular rhythm body. I want to thank my body for its service, for the hard work it did/I did in sustaining the pregnancy, and in recovering from it. I want to be loving to my body, acknowledging my disappointment that this pregnancy ended in a stillbirth. I want to honor my body for being the home to a newly created life and to the end of a life. I want to honor my body for knowing how to give birth even when there was death. I acknowledge my anger, my disappointment, my desire to lay blame and to forgive. I am loving and generous, I am sad and I sometimes turn on myself. All of that is here. All of it is part of the process. All of it is holy.
After the Mikvah - Journal Entry 08.01.10
Honoring the Pregnancy. Gratitude for the opportunity to know Halia. Acknowledging the difficulty.
Hit head on the side of the pool, feel how the mikvah is womblike. Imitate Halia, sloshing in the water.
Join Grandmother Vivian (my great-grandmother), Aunt Helen (my great aunt), and Madre (my former grandmother in law) in the club of lost babies. Grateful for their having walked the path before me. Sharing this healing with them since they probably didn't have this opportunity.
Feeling the support of the water Remembering to take it with me, call upon it again.
Healing for my body. Renewing. Living.
"dead man's float." Acknowledging my new knowledge of the closeness of death. All present: life, death, embracing, resisting.
Be with the tension, the reality, life & death.
Hava Nashira, Shir Hallelujah.
Hava Nashira, Nashira Tikvah.
Day 28 of 31, 25 Cheshvan 5774