#blogElul 29: RETURN

Today return makes me smile, a big happy smile.

It is the feeling of turning onto my street after a long trip, knowing that very soon I will be home. It is the feeling of coming home after a long summer away, filled with adventure, people and places, growth and discovery. It is the comfort and relief of knowing that I will sleep tonight in my own bed, on my own pillow, surrounded by familiar scents and sounds. It is coming back to a place where I feel safe and sound, loved and free to be me.

Today return is an eagerness to enter sacred space.

It is the happy last-minute rush towards a holiday season that I welcome with open arms. I am ready. No, I have not done everything on my high-holiday preparations list, but, yes, I am ready for the Gates of Awe to open, for my heart to open, for the work of laying my soul bare. This place or reckoning and renewal is a home itself, a beit teshuvah.

Today I am grateful for the chance at new beginnings. I am grateful to come home to the truth of who I am. I am grateful to return.

L’Shanah Tovah!

crabapples gathered today at Jacobs Farm

#BlogElul for 29 Elul 5773 

#blogElul 28: GIVE

My Dear Sons, 

I give to you, just as my parents give to me, and you will surely give to your children.

 I gave birth to you, and I give my body's milk to you.

I give you food, clothing, and shelter.

I give you my rest in order to give you comfort.

I give you my time to keep you company.

I give you my presence and attention as your witness.

I give you my voice in song and story.

I give you my knowledge whenever you ask.

I give you my arms, my hugs & kisses, my snuggles, and my embrace.

I give you my compassion and my empathy.

Most of all, I give you my love, my big GIANT love. Oh, I love you so.

Your Mama

My parents bringing me home from the hospital

My boys and me in Hawaii, November 2012

#BlogElul for 28 Elul 5773 

#blogElul 27: INTEND

Intend..Intention..Kavanah. 

Some personal definitions: 

Intend: To plan/hope/want to do. A road map or action plan.

Intention: A sense of purpose. I set an intention in order to be clear about why I am doing something. An intention adds depth to my activity. An intention shapes how things unfold.

Kavanah: A sacred intention. An orientation towards prayer, meditation, and practice. An inner direction that adds holy meaning and deep understanding to my actions, words, music, art, relationships, observances, celebrations, etc.

Here, with this blog, I intend to post once a day. My intention is to share a daily practice in the hope that posting will add clarity and depth to my practice and invite a community to witness or join this practice. My kavanah is cultivate spaciousness and to be open to and moved by Mystery.

A life intention, as expressed in 2008

#BlogElul for 27 Elul 5773 

#blogElul 26: HOPE

I have come to associate hope very closely with my stillborn daughter. Just hearing the word hope transports me back to the hospital room where I sat a few hours after her birth and first contemplated her name. We knew Halia was her first name, and I couldn't get "Hope" out of my mind but I thought the alliteration would sound silly. I remember clearly saying her name out loud for the first time, assuming that it wouldn't work. Now I wonder how I could have ever doubted it. Halia Hope is her name.

As I wrote in her eulogy: 

Halia was and is a hope, dearly held, unfilled perhaps but embodied fully by her definite presence within me for 21 weeks.

In some ways, the Hope in her name seems like a cruel irony. There is no greater example of dashed hopes than my tiny daughter who never took a breath. And sometimes I do feel bitter about that hope. And yet, I am grateful that we put hope in her name. It's an ongoing reminder to find hope in dark places.

#BlogElul for 25 Elul 5773 

#blogElul 25: BEGIN

Today is the 25th anniversary of my appendectomy. I came down with appendicitis the night before, on the fourth day of college orientation, and at the time an appendectomy was major surgery. Quite the dramatic beginning to my college career!

A few days after surgery

From this distance, I look back at the appendectomy as a good story, a big event in my life, but not a hardship. My grandfather's cousin Emily and her husband Ed hosted me while I recovered, and we formed a strong bond. How I adored Emily, and how grateful I am for her friendship and love.

I was able to return to college a few weeks later, and I had a great first semester. I had to give myself plenty of time to recover, which ended up making the semester a lot more relaxed than it probably would have been otherwise.

I learned a lot from the experience, especially about pain and the recovery process. I still consider the pain of the morning of August 31, 1988 to be the worst I have ever experienced, but it taught me that I could trust my body to help me manage pain. Those lessons gave me courage for childbirth, and I think it was a big part of why I had such a wonderful birth experience with my older son.

Recovering my health was tough at times but it was also a joyful process. I remember how delighted I was when I could run and skip again! And it taught me not to take my health and mobility for granted. 

I woke up this morning thinking about how I would write about "Begin" from the perspective of the sense of beginning I bring to the upcoming new year. I have lots of plans and hopes, just as I had 25 years ago. These memories of my appendectomy are a good reminder that life takes unexpected turns, and while plans and expectations are great, what I want most is to be open to the gifts of whatever presents itself.

 The Road Ahead, 8/11/07